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A Texas girl and a woman from New York meet at a
party. The Texas gal says, "Hi! Where y'all
from?"
The New Yorker sticks her nose in the air like
she's checking for rain, and replies, "Where I
come from, we don't end our sentences with a
preposition."
Texas gal says, "Fine. Where y'all from...bitch!"
Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a
Ritz Cracker?
A. One's a crack snacker and the other a snack
cracker!
There aws a blond sitting next to a man on an
airplane. About 1 hr. into the flight the pilot
comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our
four engines is out, we will be about fifteen
minutes late arriving."
About 30 min. later the pilot comes on the
intercom again and say "There is a second
engine out, we will be about 30 min. late."
Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on
again and says "I'm sorry to say that there is
a third engine out, we'll be about 1 hr. late
arriving at our destination."
The blond turns to the man and says "Man if that
forth engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."
What is a blonde's favorite surgery?
A SLIPADICTOME!
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A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out
in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are
watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull
to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull
reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs,
& comments, "See! That was more than 5 times
a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine
specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last
year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's
some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this
comparison.
The third bull is up for sale:
"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365
times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year!
How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells
back, "Sure, once a day!... But ask the auctioneer
if they were all with the same cow!!!"
A teenager invite his girlfriend to his house.
After talking for a while and a long foreplay,
the man decides to screw her. So he takes out his
member and rolls a condom over it.
As his friend had never seen a condom before, she
asks him what it was used for. The boy couldn't
explain it and says that it is used for smoking
cigarettes.
The next day the girl invite him over to her house
and decides that they make love again. So she goes
to a chemist and asks for a condom. The chemist
asks her "What size?".
She replies "Large enough to fit a Camel."
A father and son are fishing in a boat and the
father reaches over to a cooler and pulls out a
beer and starts drinking it. The son says, "Dad,
can I have one?" And the father says, "Well, can
your dick reach around your leg and touch your
asshole?" The son says, "Umm, no." So later on
the father reaches over and pulls out a cigarette
and starts smoking it. The son says, "Dad, can I
have one of those?" the father replies, "Can your
dick reach around your leg and touch your
asshole?" The son says, "No." The father says,
"Well too bad."
Later on they're driving down the road and they
stop at a gas station. The father goes in and
buys one hundred lotto tickets and gives his son
one. The father scratches off all ninety-nine of
them and he's a loser! His son scratches off his
and he won ten million dollars! The father says,
"Ok son, give me the ticket." the son replies,
"Well, can your dick reach around your leg and
touch your asshole?" The father says, "Yeah!"
The son says, "Then Go Fuck Yourself! This Money
Is Mine!!!"
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to
each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The
Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if
he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer
just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game
is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if
I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.".
Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries
to get to sleep. The Programmer, now some what
agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he
sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he
agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?"
The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into
his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands
it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's
turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled
look. He takes out his laptop computer and
searches all of his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the net and
the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mail to his co-workers - all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and
hands him $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away
to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more
than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and
asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his
wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away
to get back to sleep.
Why did the blonde get confused in the the
bathroom?
She is not used to pulling her own pants down.
ys remember, no matter how good she
looks, somewhere, someplace in the
world, there's another guy who is sick
and tired of putting up with her shit.
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There are three blondes stranded on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each
one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent.
Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired
woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent
than the previous one, so instantly she is turned
into a black haired woman.The black haired woman
builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more
intelligent than the previous two. The fairy
turns her into a man, and he walks across the
bridge.
farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them
for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he
notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells
the farmer that he should try artificial
insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what
this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know
when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that
they will stop standing around and will, instead,
lay down and wallow in the mud when they are
pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some
thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them
out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings
them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes
and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he concludes that the
first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck
again. He drives them out to the woods, does each
pig twice for good measure, brings them back and
goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the
pigs still just standing around. One more try, he
tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and
drive them out to the woods. He spends all day
shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself
from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife
to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in
the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck
and one of them's honking the horn."A young, promising medical student decides to specialize in sexual disorders and goes to visit a facility which has just accepted him as an intern. One of the resident physicians takes him on a tour of the hospital. All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks about the man's problem. The resident responds, 'Oh, that man has an enormously over-active sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he becomes seriously ill.' They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon another man in a booth with his pants down around his ankles and a beautiful blonde nurse on her knees in front of him lustily servicing him. The intern inquiring to this man's trouble, the resident replies, 'Same problem, better health plan.' One day there was this kid and he was late for school, so his teacher asks him when he walks in, 'Why are you late? Where were you?' and the kid goes, 'I was laying on Cherry Hill.' So the next day he is late again and the teacher asks him the same question, 'Where were you? Why where you late?' and the kid goes, 'I was laying on top of Cherry Hill, I told you!' Then a new girl walks in and the teacher asks her what her name is and she replies, 'Cherry Hill.' Three gay athletes, a baseball player, a basketball player, and a football player were sitting together in a hot tub discussing their professions and everything they liked about the sport that they play. The football player said, "I just love football because I get hit and rub up against all those big sweaty guy's and it just turns me on. Thats what I like about football." The gay basketball player said, " Oh, that's the same thing with me, I just love all those big sweaty guy's rubbing up against me too, that's what I like about basketball." The gay baseball player said, " Well I like it when I'm in a game and it's the 9th inning, there's 2 out's, the score is tied, and I'm up to bat and the pitcher has a full count on me and winds up and throws his best fast-ball at me and I hit it hard and the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 1st,the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 2nd, the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 3rd, the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, but the 3rd base coach says NO! NO!, but I go anyway all the way to home and slide head first, and when the dust clears the umpire yells "YOUR OUT!" Then the crowd yells, "COCKSUCKERRRRR!" Then he says to his friends, "It's that recognition that I like." Why don't lesbians use vibrators?
Because it hurts their teeth.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in New York, I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the electric chair that's hooked up to the generator. The pope was on a trip to California. He got a very sporty pope-mobile for this trip. He begged the chauffer to let him drive. Finnally the chauffer gave in and let the pope drive. Of course, the pope went crazy and was going too fast. Finally he ran a stop light and was pulled over by a policeman. The cop called his station to ask them what to do because he just pulled over somebody very, very important. His sargent asked who, our mayor, a movie star, or what?? The cop replied, " Well I'm not sure who, but he must be really important because the pope is his chauffer!!" Q: What do blondes and screen doors have in commom? A: The more you bang 'em the looser they get. A man went to visit his friend and sees a strange machine in the middle of his living room. He asks, "What is that?" His friend replies, "It is a sex machine." " Oh, how does it work?" " Just stick your dick in, insert a quarter, and it will jerk you off!" So the guy immediately wants to try it. The friend says ok and tells him he is going to get a drink of water from the kitchen while he does his thing. Suddenly the friend hears a loud shriek. He runs back and asks, "What's the matter? Did you insert a quarter?" The guy says, "I didnt have a quarter so I inserted a dime!" "But for a dime, it only sharpens pencils!" replies the friend. A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer stopped getting hot. "Hey honey" she called to her husband. "The dryer's broke.. can you fix it?" "Who do I look like, the Kenmore repairman?" A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Honey, the dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?" "Who do I look like, the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband. A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey...I can't fix dinner... the oven broke. Can you fix it?" "Who do I look like... an oven repair man?" A few weeks later the husband said to his wife, "Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did it cost?" "Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next door. Well, he agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake." "What kind of cake did you make him?" "Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?" Mrs. Stuart goes to a brand new gynecologist. As he's examining her, he cant help but say, "Mrs. Stuart, that is the biggest vagina I have ever, seen." When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes a big mirror off the wall and lays it on the floor. She then takes off all her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs, and looks down. Just then, her husband walks in early from work. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. She quickly replies, "Umm....I'm just exercising." He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the big hole." Two blondes are standing on top of the Empire State Building. How can you tell which one is the true blonde and which one is the bleached blonde? The bleached blonde isn't throwing bread crumbs at the helicopters! A man is out for his morning jog on the beach,
he's jogging along when off in the distance he
hears what sounds like a lady crying. He
follows the sound and sure enough he comes across
a woman with no arms and no legs. She's lying on
the beach crying.
"What's the matter, why are you crying?" he asks.
She says, "Well, you see kind sir, I have no arms
and no legs, and nobody loves me. I've never
even been hugged before!" she says through her
sobbing.
So the kind man says "Don't worry, ma'am, I'll
hug you," as he lays down next to her and gives
her a hug. She stops crying and he gets up to
finish his jog.
Next day, same man is jogging down the beach
again, and off in the distance he hears the same
crying sound coming from afar. So he jogs on
over to locate the sobbing sounds, and sure
enough it's the same woman with no arms and no
legs.
"What's the matter now, " he asks. "Yesterday
you said you were crying because you have never
been hugged, and I hugged you. So why are you
still crying?"
"Well, " she says, " You see, because of my
condition I've never been kissed before either."
The man bends down and plants one square on her
lips and they kiss. He gets back up to continue
his jog and leaves the woman with a smile on her
face.
Two days later, the same man is jogging on the
beach again, and sure enough he hears the same
crying sound off in the distance. "This is
getting ridiculous," he says to himself as he
tries to find her once again.
When he locates the woman, he asks her yet again
why she's crying. He reiminds her that he hugged
her as she asked, and also kissed her as she
wanted. "So what's the matter now?", he asks.
"Well you see kind sir," she says, "Not only have
I never been hugged or kissed before, because of
my condition I've never been fucked before
either!"
The man bends over and scoops up this woman with
no arms and no legs, and brings her towards the
water's edge, and throws her in the water.
"Now you're fucked!"
One day two men went camping. One of the men got bitten by a snake on the tip of his dick. He said "Call a doctor with the cellular and ask him what should we do." Then he told the doctor his friend got bitten by a snake. The doctor replied "You have to suck the poison out or he'll die in 12 hours." The other asked what did the doctor say. He said "You're going to die in 12 hours". THESE JOKES ARE FROM  
Q. What is Tampons new slogan?
A. We may not be #1 but we're up there
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid
of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to
one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a
hard decision to make, as they were both equally
qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever
one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover
after partying all night. She went to the cooler
to get some water to take an aspirin and the
executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've
never done this before, but I have to lay you or
Jack off."
Debra replied: "Could you jack off, I have a
terrible headache."
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's birthday. As they had not been
dating very long, after careful consideration,
he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the
right note. Romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister,
he went to Sears and bought a pair of white
gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself. During the wrapping, the
clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves and he got the panties. He mailed them to
his sweetheart with this note enclosed:
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not
in the habit of wearing any when we go out in
the evening. If it had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the
buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy
to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought
them from showed me the pair that she had been
wearing for the past three weeks, and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and
they looked really smart.
I wish that I was there to put them on for you
the first time, as no doubt, other hands will
come in contact with them before I have a chance
to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them
before putting them away as they will naturally
be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during
the coming year. I hope you will wear them for
me on Friday night.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded
down with a little fur showing
Why are women more talkative and men more
intelligent?
Because women have four lips and men have two
heads !!!
There were three men, one Irishman, one
Englishman and one Welshman, and they went to the
desert.
The Irishman took a bottle of wine, the
Welshman took an umbrella and the Englishman took
a car door. Another stranger said he would give
them a camel if they told him why they were
taking the things they were carrying. The
Irishman said, "In case I get thirsty," the
Welshman said, "in case it rains," and the
Englishman said "because if it gets hot I can
wind down the window."
A guy receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl
from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives
at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the
upper corner of the stadium; he's closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway
through the first quarter he sees through his
binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field,
right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a
chance and makes his way through the stadium and
around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down he ask the gentleman sitting next
to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The
man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a
great seat for the game, he again inquires of the
man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the
Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me. I was suppose to come with my wife,
but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl
we haven't been together at, since we got married.
Well, "Thats really sad, but still, you couldn't
find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close
relative?'
"No," the man replies, "They're all at the
funeral."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a
position as a sales representative for a large
firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the
best schools; your recommendations are wonderful,
and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly
visible position, and we're afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll
stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket
and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red
condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored
condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet
of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and
good, but this is a respectable company, and we
will not have our employees womanizing all over
the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily
married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into
a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
One man is feeling really horny, and he only has
$10. After hours of searching he finds a
whorehouse. He walks up to a woman and asks he
what he can get. She takes his money and directs
him to the second door on the right. He walks in
the door and sees a chicken on the table. So he
fucked the chicken, a chicken was a shag so he
really enjoyed it. The next day he feels even
more deperate. However he only has $5. He walks
back to the whorehouse and tells the woman that
he only has $5. She directs him to the first
door on the right. He walks in to see a woman on
the bed playing with herself and about five men
masturbating. After he finished his business he
turns to the bloke next to him and says "That was
good, wasnt it???" He replies "Oh yes, yesterday
it was even better, It was some guy fucking a
chicken!"
What do jello and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
Do you know why blondes can't count to 70?
Because 69 is a mouthful.
This guy was walking down the street and this
hooker says,
"Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure", he says and they were off to the nearest
motel. She takes off her clothes and he
keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since
you crawled out of one?"
The guy says: "Nope, just the first one I've seen
big enough to crawl back into."
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her
cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes
shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on
seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like
that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the
tears.
At a loss for something to say the father
replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up
in the air so that it will be easier for God to
float down from heaven above and grab a leg and
lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death
quite well.
However, two days later when her father came
home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and
said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened, the
father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you
mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for
work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor
with her legs in the air and she was shouting,
'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she
would definitely have gone, Daddy".
There was a black kid and a white kid looking in
the white kids Sisters room through a window.
The white kids sister had her friends over and
they started changing. They took of their shirts,
then their pants, and then their bra's.
Finally they were gettin ready to take off their
panties and the black kid started runnin away.
The white kid is like what the fuck is he doing
and he started yellin, "Wait up, what the fuck
are you doin?"
The white kid finally caught up to the black kid
and said, "What the fuck are you doin man, it
was just gettin to the best part."
The black kid replies, "My mom told me that if I
ever seen a naked women I would turn to stone,
and I already felt somethin gettin hard."
Why does a blonde wear panties?
Ankle-warmers.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds
for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined
$20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught
breaking this rule the second time will be fined
$60. Being caught a third time will cost you a
fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd
inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
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